Welcome to the Cutting Room

I feel like I saw almost nothing about “Cobweb” in the usual places (mainly r/horror, with which I have a love/hate relationship) when it was released, and reviews were mixed, which I think is why a lot of people never ended up seeing or hearing of it. I watched it for the reasons I assume most people watch things: firstly, it’s a horror movie I hadn’t seen. Secondly, Lizzy Caplan (the ICONIC Janis Ian from “Mean Girls”) and Antony Starr (the DIABOLICAL Homelander from “The Boys”). Swoon. It took awhile for me to get around to giving it another chance. I didn’t remember loving the ending but I remembered liking everything up until then.

Spoiler alert, the ending was still bad. If the final ten minutes had been cut and there had been some more exposition I think the movie would feel better and more complete. “Cobweb” keeps a fun tense energy throughout, as we’re introduced to what kind of seems like the WORST family; an overbearing overprotective mother (Caplan) and a mildly terrifying, domineering father (Starr) raising a shy, socially awkward kid named Peter. One night, Peter is awoken by noises behind the walls of his room. Like a normal kid, he’s freaked out, his parents calm him down, etc., business as usual. We get a little super vague exposition when Peter’s parents tell him a story of a missing girl from the neighborhood when explaining why it’s unsafe for him to trick or treat. No fun allowed in this house.

We also meet the world’s greatest substitute teacher, Miss Devine (get it? Divine? Guardian angel? Wink nudge?), who goes above and beyond the call of duty. When she connects with what seems to be a tiny walking red flag named Peter (who paints some creepy stuff in class), Miss Devine takes a special interest in him, much to the chagrin of school administration. She also shows up AT HIS HOUSE which I can’t imagine would fly in the real world. I don’t know. I don’t have kids

Anyway, back to Peter and his terrible family. The little girl in the wall starts talking to and getting to know Peter after he again flips out when she tries to communicate with him. She tries to give Peter advice on standing up for himself, and he ends up shoving his shitty bully (played by a BUSEY) down a flight of stairs and getting expelled. Probably not the best to take advice from a voice in your wall, but kids are naive I guess so I’ll give him a pass. Shit gets weirder at home after Peter is expelled, grounded (which apparently in this family means you’re locked in the SECRET BASEMENT by super scary and hot Antony Starr oh noooo), and left all alone until Halloween (this movie feels like it takes place over a way longer span of time than it does, I think it’s only supposed to be 24-48 hours but holy shit that’s a lot to cram into a couple of days). We see that this may not be his parents’ first basement hostage rodeo, and the plot thickens around what the FUCK is up with them.

Upon Peter’s return to his room and contact with the girl in the wall, she reveals to him that (another spoiler alert) she’s his SISTER, we get a quick glimpse of her spooky lil eye (big fan of the quick spooky glimpse because it makes your imagination run wild. Had this movie just stuck to that I think it would have been way better) and she proceeds to tell him that his parents are evil and not who he thinks they are. His mom finds the hole in Peter’s wall and flips her shit, confirming they know about the existence of the girl in the wall, confirming the fears planted in Peter’s head.

The TENSION. It’s so good. Peter does what he thinks he needs to free his sister, but is in for the disappointment of a lifetime when it turns out his sister is a (third spoiler alert) HORRIBLE SPIDER MONSTER. Sisters, am I right? Just then, the shitty kid played by a Busey and his little gang of hooligans show up to I guess get revenge on Peter via 5 on 1 beatdown. So brave. To her credit, Peter’s sister fucks their nights UP in exciting and entertaining ways (big fan of the *crunch* *immediate spray of so much blood*). Peter is gonna need so much therapy. He’s told some more of his spider sister’s origin story and finds out they’re apparently biological siblings, which is wild because how. Was their mom into arachnids before she met his father and Peter’s dad is just a shitty stepdad? Maybe. I’m assuming she’s lying to him about everything because there’s no way.

It really feels like even those involved in production knew the character design of spider wall girl was kind of shitty and a letdown, because we only see little flashes of her up until the very end. Once we get to see her for more than a second she kind of sucks. If you stop the movie 10 minutes before the actual end you’ll avoid most of having to look at her terrible design and an ending that isn’t as good as nothing.

So I want to know more backstory on the creature; is she human? Is she supernatural? Is she an ancient curse from some witch back in days of yore? Is she actually his sister or is she just some random demon playing with them for funsies? I doubt we’ll ever know. I want more people to watch the film regardless because I like it for what it is. I’d rate “Cobweb” a 3/5.

As always, I recommend checking https://www.doesthedogdie.com/ for any triggers or things you don’t want to see before starting *any* horror movie.

All views expressed are my own, you don’t have to agree with them! I’m open to respectful discourse.

Feel free to leave any movie recommendations or anything you’d like to read a review of!