Welcome to the Cutting Room

Full disclosure, I’m unsure of the difference between this and the original cut, but I believe I’ve seen both at some point. The original “Hell House, LLC” was released in 2015, followed by a handful of sequels (I think there’s another one coming out that’s in production but maybe that’s just wishful thinking).

I will admit that “found footage” horror is kind of my jam, so that definitely colors my opinion. If that’s something you don’t like this probably isn’t the review for you.

“Hell House, LLC” starts as a documentary on a tragedy that occurred at the Abaddon Hotel in the town of Abaddon, NY (sadly not a real place. Abaddon is, depending on the context, the name of a demon or another name for Hell.) Chaos erupts on opening night of the Hell House haunt and there are casualties; many injured, some dead. Most of the dead are discovered to be involved in the haunt itself. We’re shown footage recorded by patrons of the attraction showing a standard, pretty basic looking haunt. We hear people screaming in the fun way which pretty soon turns into people screaming in the not fun way. Because of course they did, the cops, news, etc., attempted to cover up anything about the incident at Hell House to add to the intrigue. The documentary filmmakers land an interview with Sara, one of the crew of the ill-fated attraction.

Sara is not actually here to help. Sara is here to answer questions as vaguely as possible (or dodge them completely) and to hand over a bag of videotapes to the film crew, insisting that they will explain everything (despite not actually knowing what’s on them). An extra gripe of mine which is literally just me nitpicking because of who I am as a person, the tragedy occurred in 2009. VHS tapes were pretty scarce as a format by then, never mind five years after the fact.

Dead formats aside, we’re shown the videos on the tapes, which I’m assuming were filmed so well and intentionally that there was no B-roll. We’re brought on a journey with the Hell House crew, a group of fiercely loyal friends who are about to regret a lot. Our heroes roll up to the decrepit Abaddon Hotel, with high hopes of turning it into a haunt that will make them rich(!!!). There’s no electricity, a de-tuned piano, and some Satanic Panic Chic decor in the basement. Perfect! 

Things start to veer off into spooky territory when the crew starts sleeping at the venue, which is speculated to have been previously owned by a cult leader. Some locals have mentioned the hotel being haunted. Clearly none of these people have ever watched a horror movie. We get flashes of apparitions, doors open and slam shut, walkie talkies are fucked with, and there are weird sounds heard in the dead of night. Cameras and walkie talkies don’t work in the basement, but that’s totally safe for the bound actress who’s the grand finale of the attraction. None of these people should be doing this. There’s also a very spooky clown who keeps popping up to fuck with the crew, leading to some delightful tension.

Paul, the lecherous cameraman, goes missing after being visited by a ghost girl and is later found catatonic in the spooky basement. They love going in the spooky basement, because they’ve never seen a horror movie. Two of the characters close themselves in a walk-in fridge in the basement because they’ve NEVER WATCHED A HORROR MOVIE.

It’s heavily implied that Alex, the self-appointed leader of the Hell House gang, got himself into a financial situation and is dragging all of his friends down with him. Or maybe he’s dying? Possessed? Preganté? It’s never explained.

We’ve made it to opening night! There’s a hell of a line (is that normal? I don’t do well at haunts so I’ve only been to a couple), and it’s full steam ahead despite crew members speaking in tongues in dark corners, a spooky clown with a mind of its own, and malfunctioning walkie talkies 10 minutes before they open to the public. We’re again shown some questionably filmed footage of the haunt itself, but this time with way more shadowy hooded figures who cause electronics to malfunction and a portal to hell maybe (totally). Patrons escape, and the crew perishes in varyingly horrible ways.

After we’ve seen the contents of the tapes, Sara encourages the filmmakers of the documentary to visit the Abaddon Hotel and check out the scene for themselves, which of course they do, because apparently they haven’t ever watched a horror movie either.

“Hell House, LLC” has some fun twists and turns, and definitely keeps one’s attention throughout (and that clown). If you can get over the heavy breathing and very poor choices (like, laughably bad) made by the main characters you’ll probably have a good time.  I’d rate “Hell House, LLC” 3/5.

As always, I recommend checking https://www.doesthedogdie.com/ for any triggers or things you don’t want to see before starting *any* horror movie.

All views expressed are my own, you don’t have to agree with them! I’m open to respectful discourse.

Feel free to leave any movie recommendations or anything you’d like to read a review of!